04.21.00--well i decided to post some of my thoughts as i build this pathetic site. just to let people in on some of the things that go on in my mind (god help you!). i thought i would slap together a little journal type thing... well, the semester is winding down, and i'm getting stressed out.. i had a little mental break the other day.. did something bad (oh-no!). and now i feel better. i'm sick of people in general right now... people ignoring me, people laughing at me... but then i wonder if its all in my head.. oh well maybe it is... i've been immersing myself in music lately.. downloading shit like a mad woman. mostly cruxshadows, black tape for a blue girl and rozz stuff that i could never find in a shit place like west virginia.. oh well, i can't think of anything else to say, i'm really tired.. nite nite.
04.22.00--another dreary day. usually i like them, but today i tried to ignore the outside world as much as possible. tomorrow is easter.. and i'm not too excited. i have to endure family. oh well. i feel kinda depressed. i feel depressed all the time, but today has filled me with a different emptiness. i am working on updating my crow link page. a tedious task so far. i just don't care that much anymore. i should just quit doing this stupid webpage shit.. no one is looking at it anyway. except me.. i was finally added to the dark poet's webring. yippee, maybe more people can critisize my poetry..
04.24.00--well, i didn't kill myself yet, but i've been thinking about it... heehee. easter was awful. the whole family thing just kinda made me sick to my stomach. not to mention i had a big internal conflict going on while i asked my grandmother to pass the potatoes... i got stabbed in the back, again... i am so sick of people!! i am so sick of people manipulating my life like i was some fucking puppet. i am relinquishing everything i held dear now... no more loving for me.. not for a while anyway... daniel, as for you, i love you but i can't handle all this shit anymore.. and stacy as for you... I AM DONE WITH THEE! exuent.. new act, new scene...
04.25.00--things are simmering down once again. the pain in my heart is still quite real, but i can bare it. the loss of friends always makes me feel a little too much than i want. but oh well, some friends, eh? i went out last night, with my sister and my ex, that was a sight.. but i smothered myself in all the distraction i could. to erase a few things from my mind for a while. it all was refreshing in a way. i am still angry and bitter, i always will be. no changing that in me now... its one of the only things i can cling to. LATER! well things are looking up once again.. all of this is to be expected on my little rollercoaster called life... feelings amended, hearts healing... i think its going to be a good day for once...
04.26.00--another day, another problem.. sometimes i wonder if the saying is true, "what doesn't kill us, makes up stronger..." well i'm not dead yet, but i feel like a weakling... my whole body aches. today i have been very very grouchy.. but i am most of the time, but today i have went to a new extreme... sometimes i wish i were not so damn stubborn. the week is almost over, and school work is about to bury me alive... ugh. i just want to go to sleep. but i can't, i have so much to do today.... anyway, enough bitching... i am trying to think of something new to do to my pages... well first of all i need to learn more html... (curses).. oh well... enough senseless ranting. BTW, thanks to sam for the mp3, i love ya!
04.28.00--i am so close to giving up on this life... ugh... stress...
04.30.00--last day of april. hm. i was reading today on the net about the "goth" lifestyle.. heehee.. people upon people justifying how they are "goth." i got a good laugh to say the least.... how to define yourself as "goth" and such, and i suppose, by their(misc. people who have the power of html)standards i am not "goth." what a pity.... *sniff sniff* well i don't care. i justify myself to no one who doesn't want to hear it. why should i justify myself? i get a big kick out of it all.... the issue of being too "goth" or not too "goth" is something else our society has to question... and in my opinion a silly one at that. anyway i realized today that i have nothing to do with myself... ennui. eternal boredom. and i don't care.. *insane laughter*
05.18.00--At the request of a friend, i am updating this piece of shit journal. i know i am quite behind, and i'm sorry. but... school is thankfully over, somehow i survived my finals. now the summer break will be filled with hours and hours of manual labor. i am dreading it, but i suppose work IS a necessary evil. on a more musical note... i bought moby's new album yesterday. and i must say i am in love. moby is another facet of my musical tastes and tendancies. i must recommend the album "play" for the sheer beauty of it. i listened to it in the car, and for once, with the windows down, warm breeze blowing, i felt good. not only having great tracks and a hypnotic beat, i get a deeper feeling of peace... its hard to explain, and i am short of words today. i have become more of a slob than ever today. i actually did some physical activity!! i had a few good moments with my father as we did a little work around the house. and for some reason, even though my father and i do not get along very well, i felt that today was another good day. if only every day were like yesterday and today, i would be set to live a happy life, but i know.... deep down.... the demons are sleeping, they must be... last night i found my old journal from the early years of my high school career. i laughed at my naivete and cried at the memories my own words invoked. ah, to be 14 or 15 again.. when i was 14 or 15 i never thought that i would be who i am today. older and wiser and still alive. ==i should end this now, i have ranted enough, i think.
05.19.00--another lazy day, i thought i would get a few things in order before i went to work, but i ended up watching old movies all day on tv. oh well, i am an excellent procrastinator... went out to eat at a greasy spoon in town and ended up getting sick, not from the food, but sick by the people who dined in the same establishment. NOW i remember why i hate being home... never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups... let me elaborate. first off, the booth i sat in was right behind a beat up retarded guy. that didn't really bother me at all, he sat there, eating his food, moving so that my seat on the other side moved at bit, he talked to the other patrons of the place, in a loud, but almost desperate voice, talking about the guy who gave him the black eye. it appalled me to hear the man, with probably an IQ of 60 say to another man that he was going to beat "lester johnson's" head in with a softball bat.... i wanted to leave... but didn't being at the establishment with my mother and sister. but on top of that.... a woman, possibly in her late thirties, screaming at her young daughter and hitting her in the head, calling her stupid and worthless.... i wanted to climb over my mother and go for the woman... the idiocy of it all. a mother, of all people, calling her pretty blonde daughter such names.... you can sometimes tell how intelligent people are by the tone and volume of their voice... and by this woman's, i knew she probably didn't make it very well in school, a lot of people do not in my hometown.... but let me clear one thing up, i DID NOT feel like i was any better than these people, perhaps that is what made me ill, thinking that i was no better, and that i would probably end up like them, stuck in this little shit town in the mountains of west virginia... god, now i remember why i wanted to run from this place and never look back. i can't understand why some of my old friends are sooo attached to cowen, west virginia... i discussed this point with my mother, who is quite wise in very many ways. she thought that cowen, west virginia was the only focus in many of the townies minds. and that my focus was a bit more broad than cowen... and also that i couldn't be contented very easily by living in such a small, backward place. i agreed with my mother. but i thought to myself, where DO i belong?
05.21.00--another lonely day, god, i would love to write about an interesting day for once.... slept in late, i was having a series of intense dreams. and damn me for not remembering them now.... on to the cream. recapping the week behind me, i did a few things that DID fill my time somewhat. helped my best friend sara look for a job, drove around with a purpose for once, rested my weary soul, told some people to fuck off, and some others a fare thee well... ah, the joys of living.... i go to work monday, kicking off my summer.... i keep thinking back to last summer when i thought i was in love.... summer lovin'... hahaha.... my hands are itching for action. i have an urge to write though i haven't been writing much lately. i just WISH something would happen to me, either good or bad, so i wouldn't have to fill this page with bullshit. ::sigh:: i know exactly what is going to happen to me. i am going to grow old, still dreaming of a life i could never lead. NOW i'm being irrational. my writing reflecting the various irrelevant thoughts going through my head. ha! and you're sucker enough to read them.
05.26.00--the week is finally over for me... woohoo. work bites as usual, and i feel so tired.... oh well, the long weekend awaits. i suppose i am going to have to do this on a weekly basis for the simple fact that i DO work all week and have little time to sit down and be intellectual enough to type code... agh. i have been laughing my ass off all day for several reasons.... one being that i am extremely tired, two being... people are so incredibly stupid... (as if i were one to talk) i refuse to battle wits with people who have none. i refuse to justify myself to anyone who would not have the faintest clue about anything besides themselves.... i refuse to let people drag me down... so i laugh at them. muahaha.. :-P oh well. i don't care. there ARE some people who need to know what i think... ::sigh:: oh well, i'm going to enjoy what is left of the day. ta-ta.